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Kentucky Football Position Preview 2016: Offensive Line

The following preview was discovered during a recent estate sale of writings belonging to deceased author H.P. Lovecraft. It's believed to have been written in the summer of 1936.

Mark Zerof-USA TODAY Sports

There, oh ye of fragile mind and weak constitution, center "Jon Toth" sits on his obsidian throne in the dark depths of the sunken city of R'lyeh. He is hidden in the shadows, surrounded by his legion of foul immortals, contemplating the punishment he and the rest of The Great Old Ones will soon unleash.

jon toth

The Dark Lord in his chosen human form.

His regard of opposing defensive linemen is one of cosmic indifference. Toth and The Great Old Ones think no more of them than you, dear reader, thinks of the insect you casually spray with a garden hose breaking its body before a paralyzed drowning. Its death later takes food out of his offspring's mouths, late mortgage payments result in destitution, and another insect family is poor and living on the streets contributing to societal decay.

Oh, but soon! Soon, Toth and his bannerman will intervene in the events of man, driving defensive linemen to their knees and the masses to insanity.

The Amorphous Blight Bubbling At The Center of All Infinity aka "Depth Chart Discussion"

Name Year Depth Chart
Cthulhu aka "Jon Toth" SR 1
Eihort aka "Jervontius Stallings" RS SO 2
Mormo aka "Drake Jackson" FR 3

What more can be said of the coterminous daemon-sultan and his hoary host? Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. His grand hideousness is the epicenter for the coming fallout. He is blight incarnate. Father Atrocity. A blasphemy beyond time and space.

Fun fact: despite being a three-year starter, and one of the SEC's best centers, he has all the while held elected office in Poland since 2010 on a platform of "Choose the greater evil. Vote Cthulhu." His rule is cruel but fair.

jon toth

Name Position and Year Depth Chart
Yik aka "Nick Haynes" Left Guard (RS JR) 1
Gtuhanai aka "Ramsey Meyers" Right Guard (RS JR) 1
Iod aka "Logan Stenberg" Left Guard (RS FR) 2
Ragnella aka "George Asafo-Adjei" Right Guard (SO) 2
Vibur aka "Luke Fortner" Left Guard (FR) 3
Zvilpogghua aka "Zach Myers" Right Guard (SR) 3

These congeries of stupendous strength and maligned suggestiveness oversee the desecration of interior defensive linemen. They have ruled for much longer than the younger offensive tackles. They are The Dark Lord's most trusted and able men. Their past is prologue to their future domination. You will hear them in the fall carrying out the most evil deeds to the maddening beats of vile drums, and the foul whines of accursed flutes.

Name Position and Year Depth Chart
Zoth-Ommog aka "Cole Mosier" Left Tackle (JR) 1
Yetb aka "Kyle Meadows" Right Tackle (JR) 1
Shub-Niggurath aka "Tate Leavitt" Left Tackle (JR) 2
Nyarlathotep aka "Mason Wolfe" Right Tackle (RS FR) 2
Yog-Sothoth aka "Landon Young" Left Tackle (FR) 3
'Ymnar aka "David Baumer" Right Tackle (So) 3

These foul members of the Necronomicon serve as the wretched gate-keepers to their most favored mortal, quarterback Drew Barker. It is their role to safeguard him in their infinite paws. When Barker is sacked by opposing defenders, it is only because he lost favor in their myriad eyes.


Utter destruction followed by eternal servitude.