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Kentucky Football: Scraping The Negativity Off My Shoe - Taking Out The Dawgs

Some suggestions about how we might manage to take out the Georgia Bulldogs tomorrow in Commonwealth Stadium.

We're coming for you, Dawg.
We're coming for you, Dawg.
John Sommers II

There's a bunch of big, old ugly 'Dogs coming into town tomorrow, both figuratively and literally, to try to mess up Kentucky's perfectly wonderful homecoming that's planned in Commonwealth Stadium. It's always pretty bad news when the Georgia Bulldogs come to town, but it gets really bad when your team is 1-6, hasn't scored a victory over a BCS team in 5 attempts, lost to a non-BCS team at home, and is coming off a 49-7 mauling at the hands of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

So how does Kentucky fend off another debacle tomorrow at the paws of the Dawgs? I have a few suggestions:

  • Insist that the whole Georgia team properly identify a basketball. My bet is that half of them have never seen one.
  • Replace the Gatorade, or whatever they use for hydration, with Maker's Mark. All it would take is a phone call to Bill Samuels. By the second half, I'll bet they'd be willing to take the field in skivvies and a tank-top. Then, even if we still can't score, we'll threaten to put the whole game on YouTube.
  • I'd say tempt them with pretty girls, but these steroid-drunken monsters probably wouldn't notice them if they walked by in the altogether. Or more likely, momma told them:
  • Get some Kentucky fans to create a huge traffic jam between their hotel and the stadium, forcing a forfeit. In a similar vein, we could have all 10,500 of our fans who are willing to show up block the way to their locker room, making it impossible for them to dress for the game.
  • Play "Rocky Top" instead of "On, On, U of K." They'll get confused thinking they made a wrong turn at Knoxville, run back to the bus, and have to forfeit.
  • Take Uga IX hostage, and condition his return on Georgia playing the game with their second string. Nah, that wouldn't work, they'd probably beat us, too.
  • Have the entire team rush the end zone like Georgia did to the Florida Gators at the Cocktail Party in 2007. Hey, it worked for them -- but of course, we would have to score first...

Sometimes, you have to get creative to win these "foosball" games, and I blame it on it's goofy shape. Who ever heard of an oblong ball, and can anything shaped like a deformed egg really be called a ball at all? I don't think so. If we played this game with a decently round ball, I think the Wildcats would have a good chance to win.

Go, 'Cats!