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SEC Media Days: What Coaches Think, But Do Not Say

Yes, Wildcats fans, the time has finally come for SEC media days, those crazy four days toward the end of July where SEC coaches, bloggers, athletics directors, radio hosts, and other such unsavory folk with get together to tell anyone who will listen how great their teams are going to be this coming season.

I always thought it would be great to get into the coach's heads, and see what they would say if they just spoke what was on their mind.  If they could, it would probably go something like this:

Joker Phillips, Kentucky WildcatsAnytime you lose a player like Randall Cobb, you can expect to be rebuilding.  Without Randall Cobb around, it's a whole new ball game.  Some of these young receivers are going to have to step up like Randall Cobb did when he was a freshman. 

Without Randall Cobb, I don't know how  our punt return team, Wildcat offense, regular offense, or receiving corps will manage, and God knows how we'll return kickoffs.  Plus, we have to find somebody to replace Randall Cobb as the holder for the field goal kicker.  Heck, I had to demote my defensive coordinator because he wouldn't let me play Randall Cobb on defense.

Did I mention that we'll miss Randall Cobb this season?

Nick Saban, Alabama Crimson TideWell, we ought to be pretty good this year if I can just get these danged agents away from my kids.  I've had to take two or three of our boys and have their brains demagnetized, it's darn frustrating, I tell you.  These agents are dirty, filthy pimps, and my kids just line up to be sold like hookers unless we get 'em to the demagnatizer on time.  I wish they'd go bother Auburn or something.

Les Miles, LSU Tigers I think the biggest challenge for LSU this year is figuring out our clock management process.  I can't seem to get these guys to understand time and score, and for some reason, every time I talk to them about the chronoblatzer and it's relationship with the flooglephister they look at me like I'm from another planet, or speaking a foreign language or something.

Gene Chizik, Auburn TigersIs there any way we can get past this Cam Newton thing?  I mean, seriously, everywhere I go I see these dadgum gestapettes from the NCAA crawling around like I'm Charlie Sheen or something, and every time I ask these NCAA goons about Newton, they tell me they're still investigating.  Investigating what?  Good grief, the BCS screwed us back in 2004 and now the NCAA wants in on the act.

Derek Dooley, Tennessee VolunteersWell, as you all know by now, I am not Lane Kiffin, and I just want to say that agents are like drug dealers.  That's all, thank you very much.

James Franklin, Vanderbilt CommodoresWell, I guess you all know I'm the new guy here and I coach Vanderbilt, just in case you forgot.  We've long been known as the worst football program in the SEC, but I intend to make us the second-worst.  A 50% improvement has got to be enough at a school without an athletics department.  That's where my head's at, anyway.

Houston Nutt, Mississippi RebelsI just can't believe we are trying to stop oversigning.  Oversigning is helpful because it keeps me in a job, and because so many in our state come from underprivileged backgrounds it means it just doesn't matter when we tell them that they no longer have a scholarship.  Save a coach, guys -- let us sign 'em all and let God sort 'em out.

Dan Mullen, Mississippi St. BulldogsThis whole cowbell thing has gotten way out of hand.  I mean, how the heck are we supposed to win if we can't clang cowbells in the ears of the opposing quarterback?  Do you think there's any way we come within a field goal of Auburn last year if we didn't give Cam Newton a permanent case of tinnitus?

Bobby Petrino, Arkansas RazorbacksI know a lot of you think I'm a scumbag, and I don't intend to do anything to change that perception, mainly because I am a scumbag.  I'll take the first decent pro offer that comes a long, and there's no use lying about it. 

Look, being a scumbag is not always a bad thing -- Look at all those great players I recruited at Louisville.  The fact that they were mostly felons is really just good judgment on my part -- you surround yourself with players you can communicate with on their level.

Will Muschamp, Florida Gators I'm sorry, I can't stay long, I have to go back to Gainesville and bail out one of our players who just got falsely arrested for marijuana possession. 

I do want to say this, though -- Urban Meyer was a great coach, and these are big shoes to fill.  Urban was one of the great college football coaches and he got a bunch of great players to come to Florida.  I can't say he was much of a judge of character, but hey, nobody's perfect.

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina GamecocksY'all are gonna have to excuse me, I have a tee time over at the Robert Trent Jones, but before I go, let me just say that I will contribute every dime of Nick Saban's salary to make sure our players get the money they need for beer, hooke... err, dates, cars, and of course, golf at the best clubs.  Every college student, especially student-athletes, needs a little downtime.

Mark Richt, Georgia Bulldogs: Look, I'm just really glad that Urban Meyer is [bursts into song] "Gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday ..." [stops singing].  That guy had my number, and if it wasn't for him, "hot seat" and "Mark Richt" would never be spoken in the same sentence.  Meyer used me like a truck stop vending machine condom, and not seeing him around here is the greatest feeling in the world.

Something like that.