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Kentucky Basketball: Exclusive -- The Coach Cal / Terrence Jones Phone Conversation Revealed (satire)

I rode this bad boy up the Puget Sound to Seattle and Olympia, so I know my Washingtonians pretty well.
I rode this bad boy up the Puget Sound to Seattle and Olympia, so I know my Washingtonians pretty well.

A Sea of Blue has achieved a major scoop of all national media covering the, "Terrence Jones -- did he, or didn't he?" saga.  I'm providing a transcript of this telephone conversation as a service to all the Calipari haters out there, including our new buddy Steve Kelly of the Seattle Times and an even newer Fox Sports talking head broadcasting from a pirate TV station hidden somewhere in the Puget Sound.  I want to make sure they have validation for their opinions, and have something to point to as proof when someone calls them on their ignorance.

First a disclaimer.  I love Washington, and I have been there.  Back in 1986, I was serving aboard the USS Olympia, SSN 717.  Olympia, as everyone should know, is the capitol of Washington State (but not all of you -- I see you back there through my backwards-looking Algore Model XV-21 Reverse-Internet Viewer, thinking, "I thought Seattle was the capitol."), and the USS Olympia was named not after the site of the Olympic games in ancient Greece, but after Olympia, Washington.

We steamed up the Puget Sound and pulled into Seattle, where I had some of the best pizza and beer ever, then cruised on up to the Port of Olympia the next day where we spend a glorious week among some of the finest folks you can imagine.  Even the nuclear protesters, who were there waving death-heads and slogan-filled signs, treated us great.  The area is breathtakingly beautiful (in a misty, rainy, Irelandy sort of way) and the people are simply to die for.  Great place, make no mistake.  Good people.  The Olympia Brewery (which sadly closed in 2003) was like a shrine to me.  Trust me, it's all good up there.

So this is not directed at the UW fans, or at Washingtonians, but rather at the "Cal is a greasy, oily, shady (and all those other anti-Italian racial slurs they can get away with because Italian-Americans are now considered non-minorities) people who have swallowed the media groupthink hook, line and sinker.  It is for you, and in your honor, that I present the much-coveted conversation between Terrence Jones and Coach Calipari right after Jones' commitment.  Note:  Must credit A Sea of Blue.

*****Begin Transcript*****

Jones:  Hello?  Coach Cal?

Calipari:  Yes?

Jones:  This is Terrance Jones, coach.  I just wanted to let you know ...

Calipari:  You picked the Kentucky hat, right?

Jones:  Well, I ...

Calipari:  I saw you reach over to your right, and I was sure it was that white UK hat.  Congratulations, son, you made the right call coming to the University of Kentucky.

Jones:  But, coach, I ...

Calipari:  Here at Kentucky you'll have the finest basketball facilities anywhere.  You'll be playing with Brandon Knight and Doron Lamb and Enes Kanter, and you'll be playing before 24,000+ UK fans every single home game, and most away games where they have  gym big enough.  Great job, son, just great.

Jones:  Uh, I picked Washington, coach, and I just ...

Calipari:  Just wait till you see Big Blue Madness!  Its ... ??? What did you say there, son? I thought for a second you ...

Jones (flustered):  I picked Washington, coach!  There, I said it.  Washington!

Calipari (gravely):  Terrence, are you sure?

Jones (confused):  Well, uh ... yeah ...

Calipari:  Are you really sure, Terrence.  Think back, now.

Jones:  I ... uhm ... I'm pretty sure it was the black one ...

Calipari (gravely):  Son, this is the biggest decision of your life.  This is huge.  This is galactic.  It's really important that you're sure.

Jones (nervous):  You're right, coach.  I need to be sure.  I'm not so sure anymore.

Calipari:  Terrence, did you sign anything?

Jones:  No, but ...

Calipari:  Terrence, are you sure?

Jones:  Yeah, coach, I'm sure.  But I was going to after I got off the phone with you.

Calipari:  Terrence, may I make a suggestion?

Jones (uncertainly):  Sure, coach ...

Calipari:  Why don't you think about it a couple of days before you sign?

Jones:  Well, I guess I could, but I just told everybody in the country, including my family and friends, that I was going to Washington, and I'd hate too look ...

Calipari:  Terrence, I'm going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle here. 

Jones:  ???

Calipari:  Here's the deal.  Hold off for a couple of days, say until Tuesday of next week.  Then call me and tell me who you want to sign with.  Hold on just a sec ... (Calipari to Orlando Antigua sotto voce:  Coach O, call up Ken and Sarah Ramsey and see if they can get me a horse's head.  Yeah, yeah, I know it's a corny stereotype, just do it, will you?).

Jones:  Coach ...?

Calipari:  Sorry, Terrence.  Just hold off till Tuesday, okay?  Then, if you want to sign with Washington, I'll understand.  Just call me and tell me you thought about it and you're going to be a Husky, okay?

Jones:  But ...

Calipari:  Terrence, you owe it to me for even considering you.  I recruited you harder than anybody out of respect for your game and you as a person.  I treated you like a son.  I introduced you to LeBron James.  You owe me this favor.

Jones (meekly):  Well, okay coach.  I guess a couple of days won't matter.

Calipari:  Thank you, Terrence.  I promise you you'll feel better about it Tuesday, whatever you decide.

Jones (convinced):  You're right, coach.  I'll wait, and then I'll call you Tuesday.

Calipari:  Thank you, Terrence.  Now go celebrate with your family, and I'll speak to you then.

Jones:  Okay, coach.  Goodbye.

Calipari:  Goodbye. ::click::

*****End Transcript*****

***Bonus coverage***

Calipari to Antigua:  Orlando, what did the Ramseys say?

Antigua:  They said no problem, Coach.

Calipari:  Good, good.  I want you to go out to Portland and make the Joneses an offer they can't refuse, and assure them their son's signature or his severed right hand will be on that Kentucky letter of intent on Tuesday.  You got me?

Antigua:  Gotcha, coach.  But Jones is left-handed ...

Calipari:  Just do it, Orlando ...

Antigua:  Okay, coach.  Now how about some spaghetti and gravy?

Calipari:  You read my mind.