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Kentucky Basketball: Telephone Interview with Dr. Hannibal Lecter about the Wildcats

Just because you are a fan of the most storied basketball program in America doesn't mean that Dr. Hannibal Lecter, famous cannibalistic psychiatrist from the film Silence of the Lambs can't ... analyze you a bit.

So I have taken the rather dangerous and scary task of tracking down possible locations for Dr. Lecter, and I have finally been successful.  I have spoken to Dr. Lecter on the phone from parts unknown, and here is a transcription of that conversation:

Tru:  Hello, Dr. Lecter.  Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to speak with us.

Lecter:  Enthrall me with your acumen.

Tru:  Well actually, Dr. Lecter, we were hoping you would enthrall us with yours.  What are your thoughts about how Kentucky basketball might improve this year?

Lecter:  First principles, Truzenzuzex. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does it do, this team you seek?

Tru:  Well, it certainly plays better on the perimeter and turns the ball over less.  How do you think we should accomplish that?

Lecter:  Listen carefully. Look deep within yourself, Truzenzuzex. Go seek out a point guard, p-o-i-n-t  g-u-a-r-d.  That will give you the stability you desire.

Tru:  But we have several, Doctor.  Kevin Galloway, DeAndre Liggins, Michael Porter. 

Lecter:  If I help you, Truzenzuzex, it will be "turns" with us. Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things.  Not about the team, but about you.

Tru:  Very well, Doctor.  I'll go first.  We need to eliminate turnovers, correct?

Lecter:  No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing your point guard, DeAndre Liggins, does? What needs does he serve by playing?

Tru:  Leadership, assists, making the team better ...

Lecter:  No! He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Truzenzuzex? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer now.

Tru:  No, uh ... we just kind of ...

Lecter:  No. We begin by coveting what we see every day.  Your point guard covets, but he does not  know how to get the things he wants so desperately.  Can't you feel it, Truzenzuex, the frustration?  He wants to make the great pass, the spectacular drive, the Sports Center play.  He covets.

Tru:  Uh, OK.  So you're saying that's bad?

Lecter:  Don't you think so?  The turnovers, you see, are caused by him trying to prove his worth.  Now it's my turn.  Why do you call yourself Truzenzuzex?  We both know that's not who you are. Tell me about it and don't lie, or I'll know.

Tru:  Well, uh ... No reason, really.  Psuedonymity is kind of an Internet thing, and ... well, if people want to know who I am, they can just read my profile.  Quid pro quo, Doctor.  How do we get our point guards to play better?

Lechter:  So tell me about Mr. Findlay Prep.  Is he big guard?  Tall and long?

Tru:  Yes.  What else?

Lecter:  Does he try to do the difficult, the challenging, the amazing, rather than the simple and straightforward?  Does he try to take too much on himself?  Does he, perhaps, take poor or quick shots?

Tru:  Yes.

Lecter:  He is trying to make up for a lack of confidence.  He feels his teammates don't trust him, and his efforts are to prove his worth to them.  He is embarrassed when he does not do well, which drives him to try more difficult things. 

Quid pro quo, Truzenzuzex.  Why do you write so formally?

Tru:  Well, I suppose ...

Lecter:  No.  You don't suppose, you know.  It's because you want others to think you are knowledgeable, isn't it?

Tru:  Well, uh ... yeah, I guess so ...

Lecter:  Perhaps to make up for the fact that you didn't go to the University of Kentucky, yet you write a blog about them?

Tru:  That's two questions, Doctor.  Quid pro quo.  How does Coach Gillispie get Liggins on the right page?

Lecter: Our DeAndre wants change, too.  Caterpillar into chrysalis, or pupa, and from thence into beauty?  Yes, that's it, isn't it?

Tru:  Quid pro quo, Doctor.

Lecter:  Liggins isn't comfortable with his own identity, you see.  He is a large guard with small guard skills.  DeAndre wasn't born a point guard, he was made one from years of necessity and lack of shooting skill.  He wonders what his future will be in that position, and fears he may not be able to make the transition to his natural position of off guard at the next level. 

He is trying to prove that is possible for him -- trying too hard, really.  Trying to will himself into the pupae, and from there into a beautiful butterfly, all the while denying the beauty of what he is now.

Tru:  Thank you, Dr. Lecter.  I have one more question ...

Lecter:  I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.

Ugh.  That guy creeps me out.  But he may have a point there ...