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An Open Letter to Steve Yanda

Comes now Steve Yanda (yeah, I know - who?) with a burr up his a** and a pen in his hand, to castigate the University of Kentucky and its fans.  You can find Mr. Yanda's stupefyingly unctuous little harangue here, should you wish to so offend your sensibilities.

I think I'll just write an open letter on behalf of us all to Mr. Yanda at the Marquette Trubune.

Dear Mr. Yanda:

Thank you for your article published today in the Marquette Tribune.  Like you, we are thankful that your coach, Tom Crean, was able to avoid the ... how did you put it again? ... the "deathtrap" that is the head coaching position at our beloved flagship university, although probably for different reasons.

We here at Kentucky have forever been grateful for Al McGuire, the only real coach Marquette University has ever had. Of course, as the coach who led Marquette to its one and only national championship, we could truly appreciate coach McGuire, and unlike you, he returned that appreciation.  His famous quote about Kentucky basketball, "They had it before you; they had it during you; they'll have it when you're gone." still rings true today, and no acerbic declamation from "sports writers" like yourself can possibly change that.

Our understanding down here, and in the sports media everywhere, was that coach Crean would have crawled over broken glass all the way from Milwaukee to Lexington if we had so much as batted our eyelashes in his general direction.  We understand, but perhaps you should tell him for us that coaches, like women, are less desirable when they are easy to get.

Kentucky fans have mostly thought well of Marquette because of coach McGuire, and I don't think we are inclined to think less of the Golden Eagles despite your piteous attempt at sarcasm.  Perhaps it would be more appropriate if you would simply thank us for our "magnanimity", and save the bitter derision for a subject upon which you are more qualified to comment.

Thanking you once again, and wishing you incurably afflicted with the smallest, stubbornest and most uncomfortable of all genital parasites, we remain

Yours in superiority,

The Big Blue Nation