Dan Wolken is less than pleased about the Calipari profile in Sports Illustrated

As you might expect, reaction is starting to roll in on the recent Sports Illustrated article by Scott Price, some of it favorable and some of it less so.  That's just the nature of the beast, and if you read the article, you would have no trouble understanding why.

I've always thought that Dan Wolken, formerly of the Memphis Commercial-Appeal and now working for The Daily, an iPad newspaper in New York City, was a decent journalist.  But his bizarre attitude toward Calipari smacks of animus that I thought was more professional than personal. Wolken covered Calipari for the Commercial Appeal back when Calipari was down there, and has tweeted out four tweets in the dead of night last night about Calipari and the S.I. article.

As usual, Twitter tweets are something like code that we have to translate.  Journalists have their professional "code of ethics," so they are often forced to style their comments carefully to avoid the appearance of ... well, such things as raving lunacy.  In Wolken's case, 140 characters is just not enough to hide either his feelings, or his agenda.

So I have decided to translate Wolken's tweets into something human beings can understand.  As you all know, I have a close friend who is an empathic telepath, so he agreed to expose Wolken's true meanings.

Here's four tweets from Wolken a few hours ago, in chronological order:

DanWolken:  Scott Price is one of my journalism heroes, but why did he write 10,000 words on John Calipari that said nothing new?

TranslationScott Price is a tool who can't hold a candle to me.  I know Calipari almost in the biblical sense, and the idea that Sports Illustrated wouldn't ask me for my opinion, which is really one of the few that counts, is absurd.  I'm a real reporter, for Godssake, and Price is just a magazine schlub.

Truth is, I know that a lot of what Price wrote about isn't widely known, but I didn't want it out there for everyone to read.  It makes Calipari look too good, and that sweat from a baboon's balls doesn't deserve any good press.  Why couldn't Price just shut up about Calipari and write about Karen Sypher or something?

DanWolken:  Calipari's passive-aggressive stance on how people view him is, frankly, boring. At least to me. From very first time I met him.

TranslationSo I really don't know what passive-aggressive actually means, so what?  Sue me.  It sounded really good in a tweet, don't you think?  Faux psychology has always been the province of us elite journalists, and always will be.

DanWolken:  Here's the truth about Calipari: He wanted Kentucky because deep down, he longs to be seen as legitimate. Felt he could do it there.

TranslationBy the time I get done with Calipari, his wife won't even show up at his funeral.  I know he's a great coach, but I'd sooner attempt sexual relations with a live electrical panel than admit that.

My life's work is making sure the world never sees Calipari as legitimate, and if I have to sacrifice my first born to Jobu, I'll find some way to keep him out of the Hall of Fame.

DanWolken:  Instead, it's gone the other way on him. Because of the spotlight associated with that program, the perception of him is worse than ever.

Translation: This Sports Illustrated article goes way too far.  It gets rid of way too many misconceptions and downright myths about Calipari that I and a couple of my buddies in the press, like Geoff Calkins, have carefully cultivated for years.  What worries me is that this may actually change some minds about him, and I just can't let that happen.  People have to see Calipari the way I do, because I am apparently one of the few people in America who knows the truth about this scumbag.

I can't undo the damage Price has done, but I can make deceptive statements like this and hopefully mitigate the damage.  I know the Cal hate is starting to unravel, but I'll hold it together if it's the last thing I do.

So there you go.  Dan Wolken's tweets translated into English we can all understand. 

Why does Wolken dislike Cal so?  I could care less.  Maybe Calipari was referring to him when he coined the now-famous phrase, "The Miserables," and perhaps that stung so much that Wolken is unwilling to forgive or forget.  Or perhaps there was some other incident while Calipari was in Memphis.  Or maybe Wolken and Cal are just like oil and water and never mixed.  Who knows?  More to the point, who cares?

Stay classy, Dan.

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