NCAA Investigates John Calipari's Involvement in Presidential Assassination

By: Gree Nyedmonster & Ima N. Veous

According to reports from unnamed sources from a prominent and timely New York newspaper and The Onion, the NCAA will begin an immediate investigation into the role University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari may have had in the assassinations of Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, as well as the assassination of noted civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.   The sources quote Ivan Taclue of the NCAA's "Where There's Smoke, There's Fire" Division who states the NCAA's suspicions of impropriety were heightened when Coach Calipari's last three college jobs were revealed to them by an unnamed assistant coach from the Southeastern Conference.  

Calipari, the only NCAA Division I coach to have two Final Four appearances vacated, is reported to have coached at the University of Massachusetts, the home of John F. Kennedy; in Memphis, Tennessee, the site of the King assassination; and now coaches at the University of Kentucky, just a short walk from Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln's home in Lexington, Ky.  The official also noted that President Lincoln was not only from Kentucky, but had also visited the young Miss Todd's home in downtown Lexington on several occasions.   According to the official, the probability of these three events coinciding with Coach Calipari's job locations was just too great to be a coincidence.  The NCAA's investigation will center around what Coach Calipari knew about the antenatal assassination of President Lincoln, and when he knew it.   According to Mr. Taclue, President Lincoln was  assassinated just 94 years before Calipari was born and only 144 years before he became the coach at the University of Kentucky.  The NCAA has not determined if the 6'4" Lincoln's undocumented grades, earned while he studied by candlelight in an Illinois cabin, precluded him from eligibility as a student athlete through the NCAA Clearinghouse.

It is not inherently clear why participating in the assassination of an American President 94 years before your birth would create a recruiting advantage, but according to a coach at a major NCAA Division I basketball powerhouse, who asked to remain anonymous, the assassinations are just "another indication of how Calipari pushes that ethical line in the win-at-all-costs environment of college basketball recruiting".